Introspection

I.N.F.P. --> Introversion, Intuition, Feeling, Perception

This is most definitely my Myers-Briggs type indicator. Here's the link: http://www.personalitypage.com/INFP.html

I am currently alone in a large comfy chair in my most favorite place; my Vanilla Latte is my only companion. Yet, I am not lonely. There is a big difference.

It still amazes me even to this day how much we are constantly learning about ourselves, always growing, always shifting and evolving. It takes a life, I think, to solve the mystery of who we are. A large part of the "uncovering process" is the simple act of getting there... letting the future unfold, if you will.

Today I had a moment... this moment was the bastard child of 1) a brilliant and eloquent epiphany and 2) a "duh" aspect of me, something I've really always known. Let me explain:

I am quiet, introspective, deep, and an idealist, through and through. When I was a child, I was fearful, painstakingly shy, and hidden under lots of complex layers... layers that I warped into being "my fault," or "my mistakes." Almost every single one of these layers was not actually my doing... and really, they weren't even repulsive. [Sorry, reader, if this is incomprehensible garble-nonsense. I'm spewing ideas and thoughts. Scroll on, dear person, scroll on..]. Long story short, I was quiet and shy.

And THEN, in the last several years, as I became okay with a) past life experiences and b) myself, as a whole, I began to see "shyness" and even quietness and introspection as also bad. I reasoned that the happy people, the well-adjusted and non-depressed people were all exuberant and out-going. Extroversion in my mind was equivalent to sanity, essentially. If you were quiet, you were strange and shy and "bad." Depressed and moody and buried under layers of sadness and complexity. I had an awful, awful view, somehow, that introversion was downright bad.

I thought this, remarkably, up until very, very recently.

In my meeting in early September with Dr. Reich, I initially had the idea for my "Utopia Paper" to help kids become less shy. Thinking back, she was the one who made me actually realize the egregious error of my ways. She said to me, "Perhaps you instead want to focus on helping kids be okay with who they are,... perhaps be okay in their 'shy-ness.'" I nodded my head, as that idea started to seep into my brain, very slowly.

And on this Monday night in early October, it finally hit.. something. I sit here, fervently trying to document this fact:

I am a quiet, introspective individual. And I am happy. So, completely, happy.

I read somewhere recently that people generally report feeling happier and happier as they get older and older. This, of course, dis-confirms the notion that "these are the best days of your life," or "it's just downhill from here." Perhaps it is possible, just maybe, that right now is the happiest I've ever been.

I'm certainly grinning... But perhaps that's due to the fact that there is a happy Asian man outside who is bouncing up and down and laughing as he is talking on the phone.

Oh, he doesn't know it, but I love him. : ]