Easier?

My my.

I keep bouncing all over the place.

My mind is a strange thing.

Here's my new domain, apparently: http://hoghug.tumblr.com/

A Friend's Poem

A smile, a wink, or a nod
are all things I look for when
I hunt for an escape from the facade.
Almost daily through the din
of social contracts and evil grins
and people who only want to win
a silly game of baseball, I cringe
at the light in peoples eyes, so dim 
and removed from our childish whims.

I guess life sucks it out of you
like a busy queen bee who
consistently has to lose 
offspring to the vicious coups
of a man who dislikes black and yellow hues
mixing in his garden of greens and blues.

She sends her drones out to certain death;
she wouldn't be able to live if she didn't disconnect.


-M.S. 

Envy is Unnecessary

I have no idea what the title of this is, but it changed my life. Ich finde es schon auch. 

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.


Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

Wants.

I'm home alone, and I am very full. I had delicious lasagna tonight, made by my boyfriend's next door neighbor Beth. Beth cusses a lot. Fortunately, she makes delicious Italian cuisine. Then I was bored and lonely and possessing a vague desire for something sweet. So, I dug around in the fridge, finding a container of my most favorite yogurt. Except... it actually was not my favorite yogurt -- it was plain non-fat, instead of vanilla non-fat. So, I did what any human being would do: I dumped a bunch of honey on it. Long story short, it was ridiculously delicious.

So. That's my evening so far. I'm supposed to be doing a lot of things, such as reading for any number of my classes, or doing my IRB proposal (which, when I think about it, isn't actually that difficult, and I'm just making it much  more difficult than it needs to be). Instead, I'm going to make a random, as-it-comes-to-me list of things I want. Yes, I am being that self-centered and egotistical. Well... we'll see how this turns out, shall we?

-A baby
-To live in Colorado
-For it to be snowing right now
-To watch Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind with my strange yet adorable boyfriend
-My mom
-To be in New Mexico, with my family
-Two Golden Retrievers named Snaz and Chester, even though Dingo hates those names for dogs
-To go on a run right now and not be stuffed
-A pineapple
-To go backpacking
-A new sleeping bag/ tent/ thermarest
-To make a child smile
-A big library
-America to want to change its behavior toward the environment, as Europe has
-Our government to stop being f-ing retarded and just legalize a safer alternative to alcohol
-To someday be a patient, loving, fun mother
-My sister to have high self-esteem
-The disgusting acne invasion to finally leave me the hell alone
-To be in New York, upstate New York
-To know that the future will work out, that I will have a husband and a family
-To be a Child Psychologist
-A 4.0 this semester
-A sense of comfort, knowing that I have a great deal of patience and many other good qualities, while I might not be as physically attractive as others, such as my sister
-The ability to stand up for myself
-The ability to express when I don't like something, or when I want something without feeling bad/ guilty
-A hug
-To never lose my Teddy Bear
-To be a good cook
-To never lose my enthusiasm for life
-A lifetime that I will someday look back on with a smile
-Eternal bliss in Heaven with Jesus Christ
-A perpetual happiness
-To hold a baby RIGHT NOW

Introspection

I.N.F.P. --> Introversion, Intuition, Feeling, Perception

This is most definitely my Myers-Briggs type indicator. Here's the link: http://www.personalitypage.com/INFP.html

I am currently alone in a large comfy chair in my most favorite place; my Vanilla Latte is my only companion. Yet, I am not lonely. There is a big difference.

It still amazes me even to this day how much we are constantly learning about ourselves, always growing, always shifting and evolving. It takes a life, I think, to solve the mystery of who we are. A large part of the "uncovering process" is the simple act of getting there... letting the future unfold, if you will.

Today I had a moment... this moment was the bastard child of 1) a brilliant and eloquent epiphany and 2) a "duh" aspect of me, something I've really always known. Let me explain:

I am quiet, introspective, deep, and an idealist, through and through. When I was a child, I was fearful, painstakingly shy, and hidden under lots of complex layers... layers that I warped into being "my fault," or "my mistakes." Almost every single one of these layers was not actually my doing... and really, they weren't even repulsive. [Sorry, reader, if this is incomprehensible garble-nonsense. I'm spewing ideas and thoughts. Scroll on, dear person, scroll on..]. Long story short, I was quiet and shy.

And THEN, in the last several years, as I became okay with a) past life experiences and b) myself, as a whole, I began to see "shyness" and even quietness and introspection as also bad. I reasoned that the happy people, the well-adjusted and non-depressed people were all exuberant and out-going. Extroversion in my mind was equivalent to sanity, essentially. If you were quiet, you were strange and shy and "bad." Depressed and moody and buried under layers of sadness and complexity. I had an awful, awful view, somehow, that introversion was downright bad.

I thought this, remarkably, up until very, very recently.

In my meeting in early September with Dr. Reich, I initially had the idea for my "Utopia Paper" to help kids become less shy. Thinking back, she was the one who made me actually realize the egregious error of my ways. She said to me, "Perhaps you instead want to focus on helping kids be okay with who they are,... perhaps be okay in their 'shy-ness.'" I nodded my head, as that idea started to seep into my brain, very slowly.

And on this Monday night in early October, it finally hit.. something. I sit here, fervently trying to document this fact:

I am a quiet, introspective individual. And I am happy. So, completely, happy.

I read somewhere recently that people generally report feeling happier and happier as they get older and older. This, of course, dis-confirms the notion that "these are the best days of your life," or "it's just downhill from here." Perhaps it is possible, just maybe, that right now is the happiest I've ever been.

I'm certainly grinning... But perhaps that's due to the fact that there is a happy Asian man outside who is bouncing up and down and laughing as he is talking on the phone.

Oh, he doesn't know it, but I love him. : ]

Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind

“How happy is the blameless vestal's lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.” -- Alexander Pope 

Little Spoon

Love
is a strange
Thing.
Tomorrow
looms ahead,
eternally.

Sometimes, I
pray.
Often, however,
odious thoughts
never cease...

Existentialism is a frightening, frightening thing. It all means something, right? It has to.

Even if it doesn't, however, we create our own meaning. Kierkegaard was a highly influential man, but I'm afraid I don't understand him. I wish I could ask his namesake, but alas, he is a schnauzer. I wish I could ask the owner of that schnauzer, but she is aloof and buried in a line of poetry somewhere.

God has given me a reminder, however. I feel it every time I look down and see half of a fish imprinted on my ankle.

The fact that I'm here for a reason, that I might very well have been dead right now, is far too humbling for my tired brain to comprehend right now. Maybe ever.

Irony, perhaps?

The following is found on a crumply piece of coffee-stained paper that has lived at the bottom of my awesome red backpack for the past few days. It is covered in doodles, which are primarily in blue ink, and messy, scribbled words, which are primarily in black ink.

My favorite doodle, incidentally, is of a man smoking a joint wearing a top hat, professing his love for cheese in German. But I digress.

Ahem:

"Every so often in life, the beauty of existence just hits you. You realize life is important, that every single still-frame means something, is designed as perfect.

One would think that this sort of epiphany would strike in some sort of meaningful time and place, such as beholding the beauty of a vast canyon or the towering Alps, or perhaps the precise moment you look into your child's eyes for the first time.

But sometimes it happens when you least expect it, such as when you are sitting alone [and very very still] in a sea of unique, important, beautiful individuals, moving and talking and breathing, in a college bookstore in a strange town, which itself is surrounded, surrounded by dust and a vast expanse of breathtakingly blue sky, and Earth that expands infinitely into the horizon.

...But then, the compelling urgency of documentation and language itself and the simple passing of time and colors and sounds distract, and the feeling is gone, as fleeting and intangible as sand that's slipped through fingers, fingers that ache for that feeling just one more time...

And all we can do is remember."

And here I choose to end this; more ramblings on the hindering nature of language litter the page, but I shan't include it. Mostly because I'm way tired, but partly because I don't necessarily agree with it. Where would I be without language?

E.B., you do not know it, but you remain a very influential individual in my life.

Capitalization

Yes, I am bugged by incorrect capitalization. Quite bugged.

So bugged, in fact, that I cannot even bear to re-read my first post on this blog.

For clarification, it was an experiment. Like I stated previously, I am most disgusted with blatantly misspelled words and non-capitalization merely because one is just too lazy to reach a tired pinky that extra half-inch to the "Shift" key. That makes me want to pull my hair out.

The reason I did it, however, was to show just how bound by conventions we are. Just because of some people long ago who came up with our present system,we are bound to capitalize some words and to leave others in just lower case. We as writers don't get to decide what words are important, worthy to be granted a capital letter in front. No, that is decided for us; we don't get any say in the matter. I wanted to challenge this.

Of course, don't get me wrong; I'm not the first brilliant mind that has stumbled across this notion. Goodness no. One poet comes to mind, whom I first came across about 5 years ago, in February 2005. His name is, appropriately, e.e. cummings.

I  recommend his poems, particularly "dying is fine)but Death."

In a related topic, anecdotally speaking, self-esteem is linked to name capitalization. Again, this may only hold true in the life of Sherri.

If I look back at past emails and whatnot, I know without a doubt that I refrained from capitalizing my name at the bottom of emails because I didn't think it was worthy of being given a capital letter.

I urge you to think about how much of your life you think you have control over, but really you do not.

--Sherri

it is the Meaning behind something that holds importance, not the thing Itself.

Free Will

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2DWM7X/www.lukesurl.com/comics/2010-02-24-determinism.png

Mom

Mom, I love you, so so so much.

You've always been kind of insane; we both know that.

I make my bed every single day now. I don't even know why I do it. I think some subtle part of me longs to be like you.

I've always considered you to be the most beautiful woman I know. Sweet, non-interfering (haha.. at least with people other than your children), and still somewhat timid, you have always been there for me.

Two years ago, when I started college, you wrote me a letter on crumply yellow legal pad paper. I lost it; for this I'm sorry. But I didn't lose the message: that you are proud of me and that you'll never forget that we have, out of anyone in our family, been together the longest, and that for a while each other is all we had.

I'll never forget that either, mom. Ever ever. I'm sorry I don't call you every single day, like you did for your mom. Know that even when I don't call, I think about you very often, and that a picture taken in fall 1990 of you and me hangs above my bed.

While you'll probably never read this, I think it's important that it's documented. Out there somewhere in the infinite abyss of tired and lonely souls' late night confessions that comprises a large segment of the internet.

I can't wait to see you again.

P.S. I bawled too, when you left on the RV trip this summer. I get my disdain for goodbyes from you, I believe.

In the words of Michael Franti...

"The more I see, the less I know."

Yep. That's about right. In the past I've started many a blog. It's true; I admit it. I was (and apparently still am) one of those individuals that pours out his or her inner thoughts, emotions, and musings to the internet.

In all likelihood, this will not be read. My primary intent is just to write; I find that the more I do, the better I seem to become. I enjoy it, really.

That being said, I will probably not write with regularity. I have found, through living, mostly, that you cannot really take life too seriously. Life will be how it's supposed to be.

On to some actual ... thoughts, ideas, what-have-you, instead of this fluff-garbage I seem to be so apt at spewing out unceremonially and without ceasing:

1. i enjoy breaking conventions, sometimes. when done purposefully, it, in my opinion, can be construed as artsy and meaningful. when done out of mere ignorance/ laziness, however, it irks me up the wrong tree.

2. i love rain. i very, very much love rain. today i walked under canopies of green, grinning as hard as my face muscles possibly could. i ran barefoot in lake-sized puddles. i met a worm.

most importantly, i suppose, i felt alive.

3. i believe it is vital for a person to feel alive, as much as possible. in a novel i'm reading entitled, "Kitchen Table Wisdom," by Rachel Naomi Remen, she at one point puts it simply: "What we do to survive is often different from what we may need to do in order to live."

4. i love fellow human beings very deeply, as we all do. a man who was wise for his years, my 9th grade english teacher, once told me that you take a tiny piece of every person you meet, and in turn you give a tiny piece of yourself to that person. these people may be vital to one's life, such as your mother or your best friend. or, they could also simply be those people we pass every day on the street, shuffling mindlessly past on our mindless paths to nowhere. we are all more alike than we think.

i recommend the song "Braided Hair," by 1 Giant Leap.

5. i rarely stop, once i start prattling on like some pretentious prick, some elitist snob of a sweater-wearing, blue-eyed idealist 20 year old young woman. i think i'm wise, because i have been through a lot [whatever that means...]. and, you know, in some ways i am.

i have much to learn. a wise man (without whom i would literally not be sitting here typing this today, the 22nd of September, 2010) who i once hated and now respect once told me that if you are still alive, you still have lessons to learn. i believe that vehemently.

6. appreciating all of the beautiful intricacies of life is of supreme importance to me. God has blessed me greatly, in more ways than i can even fathom or type here on this already too-long blog post. that is why i am most frustrated and even quite annoyed at useless pessimism and complaining.

life is beautiful; it is not always beautiful in the conventional sense of the word, but how it all fits together? that can certainly only be described as eerily beautiful, unfathomably so.

7. i love showering. like i said earlier in this long post, taking life too seriously can really only lead to trouble. it's good to theorize, philosophize, and get very bogged down with life and what everything means.

on the flip side, you've got to come up for air.

I tire of using unconventional spelling. Gah. My goodness. It's certainly time to get naked and start the revolution. And by revolution I mean shower.