Easier?

My my.

I keep bouncing all over the place.

My mind is a strange thing.

Here's my new domain, apparently: http://hoghug.tumblr.com/

A Friend's Poem

A smile, a wink, or a nod
are all things I look for when
I hunt for an escape from the facade.
Almost daily through the din
of social contracts and evil grins
and people who only want to win
a silly game of baseball, I cringe
at the light in peoples eyes, so dim 
and removed from our childish whims.

I guess life sucks it out of you
like a busy queen bee who
consistently has to lose 
offspring to the vicious coups
of a man who dislikes black and yellow hues
mixing in his garden of greens and blues.

She sends her drones out to certain death;
she wouldn't be able to live if she didn't disconnect.


-M.S. 

Envy is Unnecessary

I have no idea what the title of this is, but it changed my life. Ich finde es schon auch. 

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.


Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

Wants.

I'm home alone, and I am very full. I had delicious lasagna tonight, made by my boyfriend's next door neighbor Beth. Beth cusses a lot. Fortunately, she makes delicious Italian cuisine. Then I was bored and lonely and possessing a vague desire for something sweet. So, I dug around in the fridge, finding a container of my most favorite yogurt. Except... it actually was not my favorite yogurt -- it was plain non-fat, instead of vanilla non-fat. So, I did what any human being would do: I dumped a bunch of honey on it. Long story short, it was ridiculously delicious.

So. That's my evening so far. I'm supposed to be doing a lot of things, such as reading for any number of my classes, or doing my IRB proposal (which, when I think about it, isn't actually that difficult, and I'm just making it much  more difficult than it needs to be). Instead, I'm going to make a random, as-it-comes-to-me list of things I want. Yes, I am being that self-centered and egotistical. Well... we'll see how this turns out, shall we?

-A baby
-To live in Colorado
-For it to be snowing right now
-To watch Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind with my strange yet adorable boyfriend
-My mom
-To be in New Mexico, with my family
-Two Golden Retrievers named Snaz and Chester, even though Dingo hates those names for dogs
-To go on a run right now and not be stuffed
-A pineapple
-To go backpacking
-A new sleeping bag/ tent/ thermarest
-To make a child smile
-A big library
-America to want to change its behavior toward the environment, as Europe has
-Our government to stop being f-ing retarded and just legalize a safer alternative to alcohol
-To someday be a patient, loving, fun mother
-My sister to have high self-esteem
-The disgusting acne invasion to finally leave me the hell alone
-To be in New York, upstate New York
-To know that the future will work out, that I will have a husband and a family
-To be a Child Psychologist
-A 4.0 this semester
-A sense of comfort, knowing that I have a great deal of patience and many other good qualities, while I might not be as physically attractive as others, such as my sister
-The ability to stand up for myself
-The ability to express when I don't like something, or when I want something without feeling bad/ guilty
-A hug
-To never lose my Teddy Bear
-To be a good cook
-To never lose my enthusiasm for life
-A lifetime that I will someday look back on with a smile
-Eternal bliss in Heaven with Jesus Christ
-A perpetual happiness
-To hold a baby RIGHT NOW

Introspection

I.N.F.P. --> Introversion, Intuition, Feeling, Perception

This is most definitely my Myers-Briggs type indicator. Here's the link: http://www.personalitypage.com/INFP.html

I am currently alone in a large comfy chair in my most favorite place; my Vanilla Latte is my only companion. Yet, I am not lonely. There is a big difference.

It still amazes me even to this day how much we are constantly learning about ourselves, always growing, always shifting and evolving. It takes a life, I think, to solve the mystery of who we are. A large part of the "uncovering process" is the simple act of getting there... letting the future unfold, if you will.

Today I had a moment... this moment was the bastard child of 1) a brilliant and eloquent epiphany and 2) a "duh" aspect of me, something I've really always known. Let me explain:

I am quiet, introspective, deep, and an idealist, through and through. When I was a child, I was fearful, painstakingly shy, and hidden under lots of complex layers... layers that I warped into being "my fault," or "my mistakes." Almost every single one of these layers was not actually my doing... and really, they weren't even repulsive. [Sorry, reader, if this is incomprehensible garble-nonsense. I'm spewing ideas and thoughts. Scroll on, dear person, scroll on..]. Long story short, I was quiet and shy.

And THEN, in the last several years, as I became okay with a) past life experiences and b) myself, as a whole, I began to see "shyness" and even quietness and introspection as also bad. I reasoned that the happy people, the well-adjusted and non-depressed people were all exuberant and out-going. Extroversion in my mind was equivalent to sanity, essentially. If you were quiet, you were strange and shy and "bad." Depressed and moody and buried under layers of sadness and complexity. I had an awful, awful view, somehow, that introversion was downright bad.

I thought this, remarkably, up until very, very recently.

In my meeting in early September with Dr. Reich, I initially had the idea for my "Utopia Paper" to help kids become less shy. Thinking back, she was the one who made me actually realize the egregious error of my ways. She said to me, "Perhaps you instead want to focus on helping kids be okay with who they are,... perhaps be okay in their 'shy-ness.'" I nodded my head, as that idea started to seep into my brain, very slowly.

And on this Monday night in early October, it finally hit.. something. I sit here, fervently trying to document this fact:

I am a quiet, introspective individual. And I am happy. So, completely, happy.

I read somewhere recently that people generally report feeling happier and happier as they get older and older. This, of course, dis-confirms the notion that "these are the best days of your life," or "it's just downhill from here." Perhaps it is possible, just maybe, that right now is the happiest I've ever been.

I'm certainly grinning... But perhaps that's due to the fact that there is a happy Asian man outside who is bouncing up and down and laughing as he is talking on the phone.

Oh, he doesn't know it, but I love him. : ]

Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind

“How happy is the blameless vestal's lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.” -- Alexander Pope 

Little Spoon

Love
is a strange
Thing.
Tomorrow
looms ahead,
eternally.

Sometimes, I
pray.
Often, however,
odious thoughts
never cease...

Existentialism is a frightening, frightening thing. It all means something, right? It has to.

Even if it doesn't, however, we create our own meaning. Kierkegaard was a highly influential man, but I'm afraid I don't understand him. I wish I could ask his namesake, but alas, he is a schnauzer. I wish I could ask the owner of that schnauzer, but she is aloof and buried in a line of poetry somewhere.

God has given me a reminder, however. I feel it every time I look down and see half of a fish imprinted on my ankle.

The fact that I'm here for a reason, that I might very well have been dead right now, is far too humbling for my tired brain to comprehend right now. Maybe ever.